I’m turning 21 on Thursday, so as part of a series of elaborate surprises, my boyfriend, Rudy, told me to put on some comfortable shorts and we headed west to an undisclosed location. With our friends Tyler and Andrew in tow, we soon arrived in Beverly Hills, 90210, at a nondescript workout studio tucked away just around the corner from The Troubadour. It wasn’t until I received an information form to fill out from the spandex-wrapped former blonde bombshell at the front desk that I realized we had arrived at Slimmons, the private studio Richard Simmons has been running for more than three decades. We waited in the lobby for our workout to begin as a class called “Project Me” (described online as “a dynamic group discussion class that focuses on motivation”) wrapped up. Without warning, the doors flipped open, Abba started blaring, and in a flurry of motion, everyone in the lobby was rushing, spinning, or dancing into the studio.

Joined by our friend Michelle, the five of us tried to keep up with the class as we mirrored Simmons’ wild moves, which Tyler hypothesized were less planned routine and more Simmons’ arbitrary whims– but they were fun whims, to be sure. Roaming throughout the crowd, Simmons sardonically sported spittle on his lips, allowing saliva to dribble down his chin as he pantomimically called us out on our lack of adequate pizazz, implying we were nothing more than nursing home zombies lacking the true energy of a Slimmons devotee. For some in the crowd, this may have been true: the majority of our classmates were retired midwestern housewives, in town for one of Simmons’ bi-annual retreats (a weekend of exercise with Richard which includes a nighttime disco dance!)– but all of them were trying their hardest, and everyone was excited to be there. One of the midwestern ladies became convinced that Michelle, who’s Asian, and who bears no resemblance to any talk show hosts living or dead, was actually Ricki Lake. “You were in Hairspray, weren’t you? Ricki?” Soon, Simmons arranged the class in a big circle and pulled Rudy into the middle of it, for a one-on-one dance-off/miming session.

Michelle was next, as she handed off her cat eye glasses to Simmons, who gladly transformed into a bespectacled head-swayer for their special moment. As the class continued, we aerobicized to Cher, Ritchie Valens (which prompted Simmons to yell angrily in Spanish about the virtues of nutrition and exercise), Justin Timberlake, and a techno remix of the “Golden Girls” theme song — all DJed seamlessly by Simmons on vinyl! “I’m a whore for pizza!” Simmons declared, and told us about how he’d remove cheese from slices of pizza and leave it looking like the craterous face of an acne-riddled teenage girl. He was full of so much insane and amazing energy it was a challenge to keep up with the 60-year-old legend, as he alternated between dance moves and sassy (and surprisingly lewd) quips that recalled Joan Rivers at her best. “This is the best position to get in if you want diamonds,” he told us as we were on our knees, getting ready for push-ups. “You should see the vault full of diamonds I have at home just from this one position!”

Eventually, Simmons singled out our group of east side interlopers, asking us where we were from and what we had for breakfast. “Reese’s Pieces,” said Tyler, which led Simmons into a shocked outburst. “You’re too skinny to be here!” he cried as the class laughed along. “You look like a pioneer boy with that beard,” he told me, “You’re from Portland, right?” Later, he said Rudy looked like a serial killer and asked if he’d been in any prison movies. We weren’t alone in our ribbing– another young couple received a lengthy lecture from Simmons after he discovered they’d been dating nine years with no ring to show for it. “Cobwebs! You need to ask her already!” Simmons’ humor mostly comes from pretending to be a saucy, domineering bitch, but in reality he’s sensationally sentimental, and his class is more therapy than aerobics. His focus is on raising self-esteem and convincing his students to love themselves and treat their bodies well, and support others… and it’s all glazed over with disco and diamonds and sequins.